We are not at war with pirates. We actually like pirates. We have many sports teams named after pirates. Examples are: the Pittsburgh Pirates; the Tampa Bay Buccaneers; the Oakland Raiders, just to name a few.
We make movies about pirates. You remember “Pirates of the Caribbean?”
This is an unfortunate situation and we will not handle it like the last arrogant administration.
I will be creating a new cabinet position named: "The Initiative to Spread the Maritime Wealth." We will put a key pirate in this position. I am sure, like with other cabinet positions, I will have no problem finding a non-tax paying pirate candidate.
You can be assured that the pirate we captured while we were handling this event will have the best lawyers our taxpayers can afford, and he will have as many rights as our citizens; and the same rights as terrorists.
You can trust me, as I just gave the terrorists these same rights a few weeks ago.
Yours truly,
B. H. Obama,
President
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