By Dennis Evers
If you were one of the registered living or deceased voting
Democrats that made a pledge that if Trump wins, you would be heading north of
the border to escape the horrendous possibility of fewer taxes, less government
intervention and fewer handouts, this guide’s for you.
A few tips before you head north. First if you do keep your
promise, bundle up; 22 below zero isn’t uncommon in some cities, but the
frostbite scars and missing appendages will make you a living testament to your
integrity and show all of those people in the lower 57 states you are a person
of conviction. Summer isn’t that hot, although highs of 113 degrees have been
recorded, but the intense humidity helps you sweat and keeps you more
comfortable. Also, watch out for the state bird: it is actually a mosquito.
Once you have crossed the highly secure border if your paperwork
is in order, great things await you. If you are polygamous, each one of your
wives can get welfare, too.
Because there is “Gun Control” you can rest easy, as government
statistics show that roughly a third of murders are firearm related. On the
down side, one of those thirds are stabbings, so you might get carved up like a
Thanksgiving turkey, but that’s a small price to pay for not having dangerous
guns around for self defense. If you do find yourself with a steak knife
sticking out of your torso, “free” healthcare will be something you can look
forward to. If you have a job, you know just how large of a chunk of your
paycheck is taken to provide this free service, but hey, depending upon what
hospital you visit, they may get around to removing your steak knife in a week
or two. However if complications arise, the government “death benefit” will pay
you a lump sum of $2,295.85 to be planted, if you can find a really good deal
on a casket. Unfortunately, you have to contribute for ten years before you are
eligible.
Housing: no problem. Assuming you were totally committed to
honoring your promise, you went ahead and sold your Prius (after removing the
Hillary bumper stickers) or if you’re a “big Hollywood star,” your eco-friendly
Hummer and your other worldly possessions, and are heading north. Keep in mind
that the average price of a house in Vancouver runs $1,513,800.00,
but if that’s out of your price range, you can pick up a deal in Toronto for around
$450.000.00. If you want to save big and rent, and test the whole “Canadian”
thing, rent is around $1,368.00 for a two-bedroom
apartment in Vancouver, and in Toronto it costs around $1,288.00
Here’s something you’re sure to like, progressive laws forbid
defaming homosexuals and other “special” people, so you could end up in jail
for having a non-government approved joke or opinion. However, as a
dyed-in-the-wool lib, you should be right at home with the restrictions on
speech and thought. Just like here, you’re entitled to your own opinion, as
long as it's government approved.
Good news for animal lovers. If you cherish kitty cats and cuddly
puppy dogs, but feel that slaughtering the most helpless creatures on earth is
OK, Canada has more laws protecting animals than it has for innocent baby
Canadian humans.
By now you’re wondering about food, and if you can maintain your
bourgeoisie, capitalistic, semi-vegan diet of humus, cheese, yogurt, wine and
other delights, the answer is a resounding “YES”! There is just one little
problem: a gallon of good ol USA milk runs about $3.00 (just bought a gallon at
wally world for $2.00) while it is upward of $7.00 in the great white north.
You can still enjoy eating out, but expect to pay higher prices as the
competition in the capitalist US keeps the prices down here much lower. If you
prefer to eat healthier, it’s only about $1.50 more a day, which works out to
only about $550.00 a year per person.
While gas in the states is
around $2.25 per gallon, it’s only $1.19 per liter. Wait, my bad, there are
3.78 liters in a gallon so gas is around $4.50 per gallon. You’ll probably wish
you hadn’t sold your Prius before heading north.
If you are serious about
leaving, you might consider a crowdfunding effort to help offset your expenses
as almost everything in Canada is more costly, and there are a lot of us
“deplorables” (more of us than you, actually) that would love to assist you in
your transition.
It’s a win-win and you really can’t put a price on
conviction, eh.
Dennis Evers is a former small town police chief and best selling
author. He can be reached at: prepperpro@gmail.com
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